It’s a hard world for a retail investor. Sometimes the odds look insurmountable. What can one person with a day job and humble bankroll do among the full-time sharks prowling the markets? Thankfully, there is a small army of crypto influencers on TikTok and YouTube with our best interests in mind. If you’re not sure who to trust, this handy guide will help separate the shills from the good guys looking out for us little guys.
1) Pay attention to the background graphics. Real experts always have charts with red and blue lines bouncing up and down. More colored lines mean more expertise. Extra points if the video starts with the influencer pointing to an empty spot in the air, to be filled later with the title of the video. That’s a slick move.
2) Good fintech analysis should always have music overlay. Preferably something EDM, or even an AI-generated cover song. Some scientists (at least two) believe that the droning pulse of electronic music helps focus the brain and recognize patterns, essential for predicting the next XRP price spike. The top influencers know this and insert sweet jams into their recommendations.
3) Size matters. The righteous influencer sits on a throne of an office chair. It should be upholstered with space-age mesh and constructed with a high back, the higher the better. There should be no less than 13 ergonomic dials at its base. Comfort is key if they’re to properly identify August trends across the past nine Augusts. And while we’re at it, having a large microphone exudes professionalism. Don’t trust anyone holding those rinky-dink $19 tootsie roll mics from Temu.
4) Who cares about the name, track record, or credentials of my influencer? Not me. I’m not looking for a new friend. Just name the asset and point me in the right direction. Buy? Sell? Hold? No, never hold. I want my influencer to want me to find the next 100x multiplier, and the most effective influencers won’t muddy up that message with unnecessary personal details.
5) Vocabulary is a telltale sign of the influencer’s investing proficiency. Big, multisyllabic jargon is cool if you want to sound like Arthur Hayes, but a good influencer can move mountains with layman terms. A trustworthy influencer will also repeat their insights four or five times throughout their videos, because what shows greater conviction than to say what one believes, but to say it again and again while continuously pointing an index finger upwards?
So there it is. A little help to tilt the odds in your favor as you try to level up your portfolio.* Research is hard. Thank goodness for these influencers whose names I can’t remember. Now you can move with confidence. Good luck on your investing adventures.
* The author of this column was bankrupt by the time of publication.
